The purpose of this article is not to talk about gender inequality in the workplace in general. Data on that subject is very clear, and the COVID-19 crisis could set women back half a decade. Denying reality is not a matter of opinion but of ignorance. 

What I would like to discuss is how a few preconceived notions (which are ultimately gender-related) create obstacles in the path to leadership for young women such as myself.

1. Empathy is a leader’s most important skill

We all know horrible bosses. People who will call you late in the evening to ask for something that could perfectly well wait until the next day, who take credit for your work, who take pride in humiliating you in front of your colleagues. These are normally individuals with very low self-esteem who feel validated by their place in the hierarchy – they see their role as a sort of carte blanche to exploit others.

The prevalence of a toxic work culture that fostered and rewarded bullies is the reason why empathy is now seen as a fundamental skill for leaders, perhaps even the most important. Empathy is defined as the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation. We intuitively accept that it’s a good thing to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, to feel their pain – this is what makes us moral, loving people who are incapable of harassing other people.

I argue that this is not true. Sharing someone’s feelings is great to create emotional bonds, but it’s a really poor guide to decision-making – which is what a leader is supposed to do. Let’s say you lead a team of people who permanently avoid collaboration with one of its members due to a personal quarrel. How would empathy guide you to solve this conflict? Should you empathise with the majority and reinforce their attitude? Or should you put yourself in the shoes of the excluded element and confront the group? If you show an understanding towards both parties of a quarrel, you will probably be seen as a two-faced cynic, neither will trust you.

As professor Paul Bloom puts it,

“Empathy is a spotlight focusing on certain people in the here and now. This makes us care more about them, but it leaves us insensitive to the long-term consequences of our acts and blind as well to the suffering of those we do not or cannot empathize with.”

Paul Bloom, Against Empathy

Great leaders are known for their courage to take just decisions even if they are unpopular.

2. Empathy requires constant rewarding

It’s easy to understand why leaders who use empathy as their moral compass will often reward their team members. They understand and feel bad for their lack of motivation. The solution? A pat on the back, some praise and a bonus are surefire ways to change the mood. There’s nothing wrong with this in principle: people should indeed be rewarded for their contributions. But what if there’s something wrong with their performance? What if they don’t put up the expected effort? Or perhaps they do, but results keep falling short? 

Rewards are part of the positive reinforcement process. What happens when you reward behaviour that doesn’t match your expectations? You’re just trying to keep morale up under false pretenses.

Some may argue that this is a case of which came first, the chicken or the egg. Motivation leads to better performance, and recognising good performance leads to more motivation. This is absolutely true, but it needs to be based on honesty – and that’s the difficult part. As a leader, you need to be able to recognise your team’s victories and failures – and some people will commit the same mistakes more than once, regardless of how much support you offer. They might be going through a difficult time, they might have low self-esteem, and whilst you’re mindful of their personal context, you still need to be honest with them. Respectful, but honest.

3. Women are naturally more empathetic than men

It’s not a secret that gender shapes people’s expectations, and the world certainly expects women to be more empathetic than men.

Stereotypically, females are portrayed as being dominated by emotion, whilst males are austere and rational. This idea, assimilated by both men and women, explains the societal roles (personal and professional) commonly assigned to each gender.

Although there have been several attempts to attribute this difference to biology (by the way, as some did to try to justify racism), it’s easy to understand that it was culture that brought us here. Historical discrimination in access to education and voting rights, paired with our model of motherhood, has reinforced women’s portrait as an ignorant, fragile human being who is mostly concerned with how other people are feeling.

This has multiple perverse consequences. First, young women do not develop the self-esteem they need to choose their futures freely. Second, when they do, they need to put on additional effort than their male counterparts to reach top jobs. And third, even when they do get to be leaders, they’re expected to refrain from taking tough decisions, having difficult conversations or fighting for their ideas.

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Caring for others is one of the best things in life. That’s why our families and friends are our main source of happiness. Being able to read beyond people’s apparent behaviour, being considerate of other people’s struggles – all of it makes us better professionals, and better humans actually. However, leadership requires decisive action, and I’m yet to find consensual examples of it – so get ready for some opposition, but don’t let it stop you from doing the right thing.

“The Old Testament tells us to love our neighbors, the New Testament to love our enemies. The moral rationale seems to be: Love your neighbors and enemies; that way you won’t kill them. But frankly, I don’t love my neighbors, to say nothing of my enemies. Better, then, is the following ideal: Don’t kill your neighbors or enemies, even if you don’t love them.” 

Steven Pinker, The Better Angels of Our Nature